Going into this school year has been unexpectedly tough. In my head, I should be excited and prepared and ready for a new school year. But in reality, I’m having a hard time getting and feeling excited for all that is to come this year.
Part of it is thinking I should be surprising my students with a pregnancy (I wasn’t planning on telling them before summer break) and planning for maternity leave after Thanksgiving. But I’m not doing those things. There will be no baby or pregnancy this school year. And that’s been tough to wrap my head around again and again.
Then with co-workers asking about babies, it’s just been hard to move on mentally and prepare to teach, and in some aspects mother, 150 kids, when all I want to do is mother my own child.
So needless to say, I just wasn’t feeling it this year. I told myself I was just going to have to fake it until I make it, meaning I would just power through and try my best and eventually my feelings were going to catch up with my actions.
But then I felt a little nudge.
On the drive this morning to my first day of school with students, it poured rain on the bridge. As I got closer to the end of the bridge, the rain stopped. And a bright and clear rainbow appeared to the left. A sign of God’s covenant of peace and no more destruction. A sign from the One who makes all things new.
When I walked in the door to my classroom, I dropped my bags at my desk and turned to see a new portrait on the wall by my door. I knew each classroom was assigned a Saint, but didn’t know who I was going to have join me. Lo and behold, there was my son’s name Saint. Right there. Joining me in my classroom for the rest of my career at this school.
It took all I have not to cry. But it was this nudge. That all is well. That Him and my son are with me. That I’ll get through this with my Saint and God by my side.